I have been in this blogging mood since yesterday…I have been dealing with so much heavy stuff in my life and going through so much. Only to find out what I learned in doing my own research yesterday. I have a very trivial relationship with my parents and unfortunately for the moment stuck living here because I just do not have the money to live on my own. I have dealt with physical and emotional beatings on the regular from my family. Shutting my phone on and off on their plan if I do not listen…I am 32 yrs old and I am forced into being treated like a child. I have a 10 yr old and she has seen just about all this. Just been dealing with a lot and their children is the blame that they have no friends in their life. People do not come around because I live here, I have been told that their friends do not come around because they catch my parents in lies and see how deceitful that they are.
When my daughter was 3 and I had not had any legal written custody of my daughter. My parents tried to kill me wrapped a hanger around my neck and stuck a sock in my mouth and my dad standing above my mother saying “Kill her Kill her”, well I do not remember what I did to get her off of me, but she got off of me and told me to wait on the steps till the cops got there because they were going to have me arrested for assault. Well I had stayed at my boyfriends house and the time and was served a PFA to stay away from them with all these lies. Then I was to have supervised visits with my then 3 yr old daughter.
Things had gotten less violent but I have always been the one put into hospitals and made to take medications for issues that I didn’t have that was brought on by them. I now have full legal custody because I got smart. Behind my back, my mother was trying to get my daughters father involved so sarah could move there and that is when threats were made by him that he was going to kidnap my child. Not because he loved and wanted to be with her, but so he can not pay child support anymore. Well I fought back on my own. Got full legal custody of my daughter, my case closed with Childrens services because I was found fit. Everything they have tried has failed.
So the epiphany, did some research only to find out I have been raised by narcissists, I read they symptoms and It was like my mother was sitting right in front of me. My knowledge is power and my next move is with a friend and my daughter out the door. My mother still thinks that she should live here while I go first. I got news for her when I go, My child is coming with because I plan on slowly cutting ties, they do things and take my child around people I do not approve and have her lie to me. This is not happening like tomorrow but right down the road and I will not leave to have my child abused while I am not here, Because I will no longer be around to be picked on so they will move onto her. This is where the cycle ends for me and I break it.
I felt like so much weight was lifted off of me when I read I wasn’t at fault for everything. I know that I am far from perfect and never claimed that I was. They say these events never happened to me and I am lying. I cannot deal with it anymore and it is time for me to go and be a family with my daughter, a happy family that I have always wanted.
Plus I think that my mother may have Munchausen Syndrome. I do have depression and PTSD from things that I have been through all my life, but my moods and temper is so different when I am not in this situation. I have been in and out of doctors and Hospitals all my childhood, and most of my adult life. There maybe underlying issues but I now know that I do not have all these issues and I am not as broken as I am told and been brainwashed to believe. I have had ECT treatments 4 total and just so so much since I was a baby. I lost a child and it will be 4 years this December. My mother tells me everyday how she is happy God took my baby everyday because yes she was sick but I am also a lousy mother and never been able to raise her. I love my children so much. Do I now believe that I lost my child to abuse yes, and the anti depressant I was on is not in one of the court cases that caused health issues and problems in a fetus. If I had not been here and so depressed I think my Lily would be with me today. The complications she had were on that list and she had just about all of them. I think I have wrongful death on my hands not only on the doctor by threatening to 302 me for 9 months to force me to take my medication, but also the stress from everyone around me. I am no longer feeling sorry for me and I feel so strong right now. I have a finger on what is going on and when she tries to argue till I get out I can just let it in one ear and out the other. I now have the upper hand and the power to overcome my demon. Its not Freddie or Jason that haunted me my whole life, it is who raised me. I have felt like I am in prison, well I am breaking out. I have have an all new light on the situation. I am survivor. Knowledge is my weapon and power.