Epiphany

I have been in this blogging mood since yesterday…I have been dealing with so much heavy stuff in my life and going through so much. Only to find out what I learned in doing my own research yesterday. I have a very trivial relationship with my parents and unfortunately for the moment stuck living here because I just do not have the money to live on my own. I have dealt with physical and emotional beatings on the regular from my family. Shutting my phone on and off on their plan if I do not listen…I am 32 yrs old and I am forced into being treated like a child. I have a 10 yr old and she has seen just about all this. Just been dealing with a lot and their children is the blame that they have no friends in their life. People do not come around because I live here, I have been told that their friends do not come around because they catch my parents in lies and see how deceitful that they are.

When my daughter was 3 and I had not had any legal written custody of my daughter. My parents tried to kill me wrapped a hanger around my neck and stuck a sock in my mouth and my dad standing above my mother saying “Kill her Kill her”, well I do not remember what I did to get her off of me, but she got off of me and told me to wait on the steps till the cops got there because they were going to have me arrested for assault. Well I had stayed at my boyfriends house and the time and was served a PFA to stay away from them with all these lies. Then I was to have supervised visits with my then 3 yr old daughter.

Things had gotten less violent but I have always been the one put into hospitals and made to take medications for issues that I didn’t have that was brought on by them. I now have full legal custody because I got smart. Behind my back, my mother was trying to get my daughters father involved so sarah could move there and that is when threats were made by him that he was going to kidnap my child. Not because he loved and wanted to be with her, but so he can not pay child support anymore. Well I fought back on my own. Got full legal custody of my daughter, my case closed with Childrens services because I was found fit. Everything they have tried has failed.

So the epiphany, did some research only to find out I have been raised by narcissists, I read they symptoms and It was like my mother was sitting right in front of me. My knowledge is power and my next move is with a friend and my daughter out the door. My mother still thinks that she should live here while I go first. I got news for her when I go, My child is coming with because I plan on slowly cutting ties, they do things and take my child around people I do not approve and have her lie to me. This is not happening like tomorrow but right down the road and I will not leave to have my child abused while I am not here, Because I will no longer be around to be picked on so they will move onto her. This is where the cycle ends for me and I break it.

I felt like so much weight was lifted off of me when I read I wasn’t at fault for everything. I know that I am far from perfect and never claimed that I was. They say these events never happened to me and I am lying. I cannot deal with it anymore and it is time for me to go and be a family with my daughter, a happy family that I have always wanted.

Plus I think that my mother may have Munchausen Syndrome. I do have depression and PTSD from things that I have been through all my life, but my moods and temper is so different when I am not in this situation. I have been in and out of doctors and Hospitals all my childhood, and most of my adult life. There maybe underlying issues but I now know that I do not have all these issues and I am not as broken as I am told and been brainwashed to believe. I have had ECT treatments 4 total and just so so much since I was a baby. I lost a child and it will be 4 years this December. My mother tells me everyday how she is happy God took my baby everyday because yes she was sick but I am also a lousy mother and never been able to raise her. I love my children so much. Do I now believe that I lost my child to abuse yes, and the anti depressant I was on is not in one of the court cases that caused health issues and problems in a fetus. If I had not been here and so depressed I think my Lily would be with me today. The complications she had were on that list and she had just about all of them. I think I have wrongful death on my hands not only on the doctor by threatening to 302 me for 9 months to force me to take my medication, but also the stress from everyone around me. I am no longer feeling sorry for me and I feel so strong right now. I have a finger on what is going on and when she tries to argue till I get out I can just let it in one ear and out the other. I now have the upper hand and the power to overcome my demon. Its not Freddie or Jason that haunted me my whole life, it is who raised me. I have felt like I am in prison, well I am breaking out. I have have an all new light on the situation. I am survivor. Knowledge is my weapon and power.

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Trophies sit on a shelf and get dusty!! Not for me!!

I have had a number of things on my mind lately, one being why does everything seem to come so hard for me, I have to work extra hard for everything and I do not understand why?? I know that in life things that come easy aren’t as appreciated as those that we work hard for. Due to my illness’s I have been trying to get SSI, not because I am lazy and don’t want to work, but because my illness’s make working and home life next to impossible for me. I have focusing on one thing at a time. Well I have just been through the process now going on 6 months and denial once again. Yet there are those that well they have the same issue’s but they have the drug and alcohol issue with theirs and they get it first try. I do not understand the government and the way it’s run. They say welfare reform, but they give it to those that abuse the system the most. I have nothing against those that are dual diagnosed, in fact I am there to cheer those on that are in recovery, because Mental illness alone is way hard, to have the other axis added to it makes it double hard. Not only do you relapse with the depression but you also turn to ways to numb the pain. I get it. There are just people that are on it, perfectly capable to work, but own large screen flat screen TV’s and brand new cars. I do not get it. Wish they could truly explain this concept to me. The system is abused way to easy. I am just sick of being made to jump through hurdles. I have had to do it for the benefits that I do receive they always threaten to cut my health insurance and without my medications I am just a huge hot mess. But they are willing to cut me. Then comes the talk about those with Mental health being swept under the rug. I am not making nice of any situation but look at the Colorado shootings, or What happend in Connecticut, or even here in Pittsburgh PA, a patient went back and shot up the place, Probably sick of being swept under a rug because no one gets them or understands what they are trying to say. Those are all horrible instances but that is what happens when we get swept under the rug or dismissed as fine. We are not, we need help but no one is willing to listen and hear us when we as for it, but wonder what went wrong when society goes off the hook. Wake up people.

Even to get my benefits I had to go after my daughters father for support, he never claimed her and never even tried to see her, when he did it was so him and his wife could get me to cut off support. (His trophy Wife). Not knowing to her that when she had their baby he was on my doorstep proposing to me and wanting to be a family with my then 13 month old and I. I wanted nothing to do with it, because he cheated on me with a 14 yr old when I was pregnant with MY daughter. He was 23 years old at the time. Gross. At the time it was just an age, but now being a mother to a young woman I see how gross that really is, because I see how innocent those little girls are. Just nasty. I mean what is wrong in the world today.

This is how I wish that life could be…Like Anne of Green Gables, I rented that movie this week and times were so simple, yes there were still the same issues, but technology didn’t run the world and girls played outside and dared one another to walk a rooftop, not do drugs that they have to choose today. I will take the old days over anything. I know that I am not a perfect person, not by any means. I love to cook a home cooked meal, rather than go out to eat. I am learning how to garden this year, it is doing very well I might add. I love how relaxing it is just to water plants and watch them grow, However I have had help from Mom and Dad with the garden, it was very much a family affair. That family time alone means a lot to me. I went back to elementary school for a day with my daughter and she ran behind me and hugged me, bragged to her friends that I was there. It was a blast. Little things mean the most to me. I have never been married, however someday I hope the one will find me, but being lonely is very hard. My heart aches everyday. I know what matters in the world today, I know the secret to life. I do not plan on being someone’s trophy wife, because trophies sit on a shelf and gets dusty and forgotten about, money and glam and fortune mean nothing to me. Though having more money than I have now would be nice. I do not want to be rich, just a quaint house, with a picket fence and a porch with a swing. I would like to have a little land. City life just is not for me. Someday I will meet that man, and get that dream house. I have the perfect kid and perfect family. Just want to add on.

These are just things running through my busy little mind these days. As I turn 32 tomorrow I sometimes feel like life is slipping away from me. Often I am happy with what I have, but if god intends for me to Add on then he will. Image

Had a bad day!!

Today has just been one of those days…Crazily ranting and raving how family has hurt me. I really feel that no matter how hard I try, I never seem to be good enough. Dealing with a man that is afraid to show me who he really is and that he gets weak and feels down too. Yes it makes you vulnerable to someone else, but it also makes you very real to me.

Today has just been so hard because I am dealing with issues as to why I am not going to a cousins wedding, well first off I was not invited because of my marital or tax status, then this cousin wonders why I did not come to her shower. Why would I shower someone with gifts and well wishes when she don’t want me to be seen at her wedding. I never knew not having a wedding band and a single mom suddenly made me white trash. She is just snobby and told me a yr ago I need to learn to get over my deceased daughter and learn to be happier, she is not a parent and has no idea. That is still my child whether she was here one month, one yr, or a lifetime or never even was born. That is still my child, she lived and breathed inside of me, I heard her heartbeat and felt her move. Now she is having trouble conceiving well I don’t feel one ounce sorry for her. Karma got her for all the mean she did to me and hurt she made me feel. I mean when you can make family feel like they are nothing then they are not worth my caring, because my feelings didn’t matter much.

This is just a real bad day all around. I want to crawl under a rock and just cry and scream and just make people see that yes I hurt, No I do not break so you don’t have to carry me carefully, but I would appreciate respect and thinking before you speak. I do not know what runs through people’s minds these days. This goes out to anyone to knows anyone that has ever lost a child or anyone close, you don’t have to be there 24/7. Just lend a hand for the bad days, and on the good days Say their deceased family members name because it reminds us that they are not forgotten. They very much have a soul to us. Also don’t judge someone by Marital status, Bc we just not have found our soulmate yet, or we have lost then too soon, or maybe the relationship didn’t work. Just my best piece of advice don’t judge what you do not know. Until you have walked my path you do not know my journey.

Child Support …the debate of where it should go..

I have a great debate for you all…I am a single mother of a 10 yr old, one that has never done without a thing. I take good care of my daughter and she will even attest to this reality. I take her special places to eat, we camp and do what kids enjoy doing. I love doing free things, but I am learning even free things take money these days, because you need gas to get back and forth anywhere. That is not cheap. I even cut corners to save money, buy off brands, Clip coupons, shop at the cheaper stores and thrift stores and even online to get that bargain. I have come to the point in my life that I don’t pay full price for anything. If i go to outlet stores I hit the sales racks. Cheap is awesome.

However I have come to this debate for men and women, I know it can be a heated one, but I also know that men and women are on two sides of the fence as to what a child needs growing up. I get ridiculed just for getting gas by the attendants, who is also male. Gas is not for children. Well ok then, Say you have a ft job and all your paycheck went to bills and stuff needed to live and rent to keep a roof over your childs head, and food on the table, well your money is gone very fast. That check is what you have left to survive and do what you have to do to get by for the next two week, well I am going to use it. Men have no clue no offense. Because all men are not the same and there are single Father families out there as well. So they may have a clue how this story goes. I have a deadbeat that wants to pay bare minimum, lies in court about the wages that come into his home between him and his wife, but I get the slap bc it is just me and I don’t have the luxury of 2nd income. And I am looking to get a car, that will add to it because you need insurance money for car payments. That car also takes my child where she needs to go so it needs to be relaible. A child has tons of needs and parents that are absent either do not care about these needs or they just think that is how it should be. Walk in my shoes for a min. Cutting costs and Pennies anyway I can and I don’t go shopping for myself or go out, if I do my child is with me. My life is the definition of boring. But I like it because it is uneventful and not very stressful. This is my debate. Just would like to see Men and Women views. Because I really am curious and maybe I can open a few eyes and minds with this. Thank you for reading and if you comment please keep it clean, Its a heated topic, but I would like the respect of clean comments.

What I have learned…yet feel so naive still.

I have not posted as much as I would like to but I post as inspiration comes to me. I have noticed that I have learned so much about people, yet I still don’t know a thing. My thinking was so black and white in high school, I wanted two kids, (Boy first, then girl), well God laughed at that plan and gave me two beautiful daughters, one earth baby and one Angel in waiting. I wanted to get married and wanted to be pure till I was married it meant a lot to me. Once again God laughed at that plan because at 18 I got curious about things and well..you know how that story ends. As far as Marriage I have been engaged twice…One that I still truly love and will probably always love, and the other was just high school temptations taking over and infatuation in adult age at its highest. However here I am going to be 32 and still as single as they come. I am very picky as to who I wanna marry and will not marry just anyone. So I am thanking God for all those unanswered prayers. I met someone around Christmas and the chemistry seemed to be there and all seemed perfect. I was ready to commit. Back to you just do not know people. He wanted to change everything about me, who I am. Into the mold of what he wanted me to be. Needless to say the mold was broken after me.

Hence this blog. I have a really good friend that is only 20 and she married 4 months into meeting this guy. Way fast. I did that and have learned relationships that start fast, usually end fast, but that is not always the case. Her husband has already cheated on her and when he went home to see family, he took a friend and not his newly wed wife. (Secret Marriage BTW). While he was there he was acting a fool and cheated on this girl. Her friendship means a lot to me, I hate to see guys playing games with her. We have huge age difference between us, but she reminds me so much of myself when I was her age, its like a moth to a flame for me. I feel in love so fast, I would long for that numbing feeling when a guy holds you for the first time, kisses you for the first time, and the high from falling in love. When I was her age I was “In Love” with falling in love. These days I am not so naive. My ex fiance cheated on me the whole yr, taking the jealousy out of me, was raped and dated girls prior to that relationship and he had used “cold” to describe the way I was with him. Shocking to myself because I knew that was not me in the past. I was clingy and jealous and young and psycho. (Yes I would put myself out there like that). But no more. I do not jump into relationships and will never live with someone fast again. Because the ex I lived with him less than two weeks after our crazy love began. He was sexy, tall and he wanted ME. So that made me feel awesome. The shell was so gorgeous. I just had to have him even though he rubbed me the wrong way of when I met him. I fell hard and I fell fast. That was a very turbulant year for me. He cheated on me the whole yr and was very mentally abusive and blamed me for the cheating using the words I had described. He gave me my angel Lily. The gift that changed my life and my way of thinking.

Losing that relationship and my daughter turned me upside down and inside out. My heart was outside of my body and half of it is here on Earth and there is half of me in Heaven waiting to come home. I am no longer afraid to pass out of this world and begin the next life. I am trying to make the most of my life here on earth. Be the best mother of my soon to be 10 year old this week. Her growing into a young lady scares me so. The world today is not the world that I grew up in as a kid, I roller skated till I was 18. When they closed the rink down. Such a sad sad day that was. However the friends I have today from my childhood years I still have a lot of them. The one with his head on straight that took skating to the max, passed almost two years ago due to drug overdose. That is what is so ugly about the world today, drugs. They were there in the days when I grew up but not talked about. In this day and age drugs and sex has become a pandemic and kids are playing with fire. It scares me so much. My daughter is growing up in today’s world. I am trying to teach her my morals. I consider myself a very moral person..When I am not in a relationship I don’t have relations with anyone. I do not believe in that and I deserve better.

Back to the friend. In all that I have seen, there is no need to be jealous or clingy and psycho, because you cannot make someone love you or want to be with you. I just wish I could give her my knowledge but I feel that is taking lessons away from what God wants to teach her in his plan for her. I just see so much of me in her, and like a momma with her cubs the claws go up when you hurt my little ones. I pray everyday that he won’t break her heart more than its already been broken, and in my eye’s she is to beautiful to be hurt. Just like my daughter. She was brought in my life for a reason just wish I knew what. Hence I have learned a lot in my 32 years in this world, my daughter has learned so many hard lessons in her 10 years on this earth. I just wish I didn’t learn the way I learned, but glad I have learned the lessons that I have been given.

Gods plan for me so far that I have come to notice, I am a caregiver and have very caring hands whether it be children, elderly, animals, I love them all. I see the good surrounding people before they show me the bad. I am a forgiving person. But I do not forget. I do not hold grudges and I do not steal. I believe in people when they are at their bottom. Sometimes the one person I forget is Me. Image

Cloudy with a chance of rain

I am not exactly sure how to start this. Or how or where to take this right now. I am having situations in my past that I just pushed to the back burner. Five years ago I was raped by my ex boyfriend. Someone that I had once been totally in love with and wanting to spend a good part of my life with. Even though the guy was no good for me, he did not enhance my life and make things right. He played games with me and cheated on me and was proud of the way he treated me. All signs that I knew that he was wrong for me. Well when my daughter was first born him and I were still sexually active and he had wanted me back. But after having my daughter I was in a totally different place with myself then before I had her. I was over the game playing and how he treated. From the time he met my daughter he claimed he loved her and would love to be her dad. Well I was against that, because of the way his father was with women and the way he followed his dad and was like yeah I treat women the same way. Just not right. A couple more yrs had passed and Sarah was about 2 or 3 yrs old and I was kicked out of the house. Well he had given me a place to stay, all before that he wanted to get back with me. I had told him I was not interested. He would have porn on when I walked in and that would be very uncompfortable. But it was somewhere to stay so I wasnt on the streets. Well I got more than I bargained for, he pushed himself on me, and did his thing and after he was done got off me and I laid there and just cried. Well Its still blacked out, but I got out. I remember bits and pieces of what had happend. The whole walk home I remember feeling like everyones eyes were on me and I felt so dirty like they knew and I will never forget that feeling. The walk took forever, From the time after I can no longer walk on the same side of the street as other people and I do not like people walking behind me. My boyfriend is very understanding about everything in my life and he treats me so good. He has been a blessing in my life. But since running into this person the stories have come back up that were buried, or so I thought. I am just trying to deal with this. I know how to deal with things a lot better than I could have 5 yrs ago. The losses have taught me how to cope with things in my life. My world doesn’t feel like it’s spinning out of control, its just cloudy right now and I know that I can make it through this. It is all just hope. I live my life off of hope and faith that it will be ok. I have learned how to slow down and take things as they come one day at a time. But a thread on facebook has really brought some of the feelings out for me. I am not looking for pity, just need to get my feelings out and ways to heal. I know that I cannot go on with my future carrying the baggage from my past. This is where my boyfriend is awesome, when we are upset we talk about things and I know in my heart I can trust him with anything. He is the first man in my life I know that I can trust with my heart. My dad has always been a very rigid person and I can’t tell him much or confide in him. I love my dad, but it’s just not like that with him. Plus he puts me down all the time and that is the kind of man I grew up with. He was a good dad, just not a great parent. I am a parent myself so I know the trials and tribulations it is not an easy job. I wouldn’t trade what I have for the world. I just want to get over this storm and find the end of the rainbow!! Image