I am not exactly sure how to start this. Or how or where to take this right now. I am having situations in my past that I just pushed to the back burner. Five years ago I was raped by my ex boyfriend. Someone that I had once been totally in love with and wanting to spend a good part of my life with. Even though the guy was no good for me, he did not enhance my life and make things right. He played games with me and cheated on me and was proud of the way he treated me. All signs that I knew that he was wrong for me. Well when my daughter was first born him and I were still sexually active and he had wanted me back. But after having my daughter I was in a totally different place with myself then before I had her. I was over the game playing and how he treated. From the time he met my daughter he claimed he loved her and would love to be her dad. Well I was against that, because of the way his father was with women and the way he followed his dad and was like yeah I treat women the same way. Just not right. A couple more yrs had passed and Sarah was about 2 or 3 yrs old and I was kicked out of the house. Well he had given me a place to stay, all before that he wanted to get back with me. I had told him I was not interested. He would have porn on when I walked in and that would be very uncompfortable. But it was somewhere to stay so I wasnt on the streets. Well I got more than I bargained for, he pushed himself on me, and did his thing and after he was done got off me and I laid there and just cried. Well Its still blacked out, but I got out. I remember bits and pieces of what had happend. The whole walk home I remember feeling like everyones eyes were on me and I felt so dirty like they knew and I will never forget that feeling. The walk took forever, From the time after I can no longer walk on the same side of the street as other people and I do not like people walking behind me. My boyfriend is very understanding about everything in my life and he treats me so good. He has been a blessing in my life. But since running into this person the stories have come back up that were buried, or so I thought. I am just trying to deal with this. I know how to deal with things a lot better than I could have 5 yrs ago. The losses have taught me how to cope with things in my life. My world doesn’t feel like it’s spinning out of control, its just cloudy right now and I know that I can make it through this. It is all just hope. I live my life off of hope and faith that it will be ok. I have learned how to slow down and take things as they come one day at a time. But a thread on facebook has really brought some of the feelings out for me. I am not looking for pity, just need to get my feelings out and ways to heal. I know that I cannot go on with my future carrying the baggage from my past. This is where my boyfriend is awesome, when we are upset we talk about things and I know in my heart I can trust him with anything. He is the first man in my life I know that I can trust with my heart. My dad has always been a very rigid person and I can’t tell him much or confide in him. I love my dad, but it’s just not like that with him. Plus he puts me down all the time and that is the kind of man I grew up with. He was a good dad, just not a great parent. I am a parent myself so I know the trials and tribulations it is not an easy job. I wouldn’t trade what I have for the world. I just want to get over this storm and find the end of the rainbow!! 
Monthly Archives: February 2013
Learning to Fly in a new way
Learning to Fly in a new way
In my life I have had many endeavors in my life and I am learning new things. Saving money was never one of them. However I am trying to get into new things. Trying different grocery stores to see where I get more for my money and ways to store food and quantities to make more than one meal. I learned how to be thrifty at a young age from my mom. We would get 2nd hand clothes and shop at discount and consignment shops. When I was a teenager I didn’t like this. Now as an adult I am taking the building blocks and knowledge to a whole new level of my own.
I love to cook and from scratch and try different things with food. I am not a gourmet cook but been described as the comfort food cook, and my brother has the gourmet/ bartender high class cooking in his style. I am more down to earth and comforting…. I am taking what I was taught as a child and trying to tie it into a new life. I am a single mom and do all the grocery shopping and cooking and baking at home and enjoy this role as mother and homemaker. I have recently found a man that, though he has his own money and does a little gambling for pleasure, he himself is thrifty. I am feeding off of him. Its nice to be in a relationship and not worry about cheating and loyalty, but yet learning new things like thriftiness and how to coupon. Very rewarding.
My recent shopping trips I have started to experiment with coupons and searching the net for printable coupons and put apps on my Iphone and joined mailing lists for our favorite restaurants for coupons and save on a good meal and enjoy time together. Once again did I mention that I am loving this relationship. I have posted on Facebook to get advice about stores and coupons and had some ideas thrown at me. This is my new adventure, I am organizing my life one thing at a time. First was myself, then my relationship with my daughter and family, now a relationship worth giving time to in a few years, well that I think is Check as well, so now time to move on to learn money saving and ways to save money and organize much needed clutter in my life, my spirituality will be next all this is stuff to enhance who I am and who I am meant to be. I am looking forward to this adventure and will be writing about the failures and successes of this adventure. Lets call this series of blogs Learning to fly….One wing at a time..
Real Life
I have been going through this life day by day lately, been every emotional. It has been a very roller coaster kind of a life for the last 3 years. Having my ups and downs and just trying to make it day by day. I am once again at a crossroads in my life and stuff that I am going through. After losing my daughter 3 years ago I have found my strength is other bereaved mothers, we are there for one another the way that women should be. Now I am faced with an old demon and how to deal with it once again. My friend that gives me strength through losing my baby, she has been diagnosed with Breast Cancer and I lost my Aunt to that when I was 20. That started my downward spiral for years to come. I never thought that I would have to deal with that again, nor never wanted to see it again. My oldest daughter her friends Dad had fought and lost his battle with Cancer this past December. Here it is again knocking on my door. Now another person that is very near and dear to my heart. Maybe I have been through the struggles I have been through to make it through this, but I feel myself faultering. She has a cause that raises money for packages to be sent to childrens hospitals around the U.S. Project Sweet Peas. She has put her blood sweat and tears into making others lives better!! Through the heartache she has made it positive. She makes me move in ways that no one has. I really want to help with her cause and Pay it forward. My faith means a lot to me and It has become stronger when I was at my weakest point. I love my life right now. Just wish there was so much more that I could do to help those that are sick and don’t have the means. This is my mission.
Words from my Heart!! :) 